Conflict Response Styles and Ways to Manage Conflict Response Styles
Does conflict cause you anxiety? Does the source or topic of conflict keep occupying space in your head? Is it hard to move on? Or is it easy to ignore?
Conflict is a normal part of life and how we handle it can affect us in both the moment and in the long run. Everyone has different responses to conflict. Let’s break those styles down.
Aggression or Fighting back: This reaction style is when you argue or fight back when in conflict. That can include shouting, cursing, being described as “hot-headed” or impulsive.
Avoidance or Retreating: This style means that when conflict arises you hide away and hope that it goes away instead of openly dealing with it. For some that means that they ignore the other person's feelings and insist on being right without any space for discussion. While for others it’s a sense of ignoring the elephant in the room as they do not want to deal with the discomfort or any feelings that come with conflict.
Appeasement or Giving the floor to Others: This style means that you try to accommodate the other person to avoid the conflict and get over the situation as quickly as possible. Solutions may be inappropriate or superficial but because they end the conflict in the moment, you support it.
Alliance or cooperation: This style is when you cooperate with the other person in finding a solution that keeps both sides happy and maintains a healthy communicative relationship.
The alliance or cooperation style is the healthy and effective way to help manage conflict and keep healthy relationships as they offer space for each individual in conflict and help bring a solution that everyone agrees with. However it does not always have that response style during conflict. Maybe you have never been taught to handle conflict or have always seen conflict as a negative thing. Addressing your response style is the first step to understand how to handle and manage conflict.
Ways to Manage Conflict
There are a few things you can do to help manage conflict and work on your response style to have healthy and productive conversations.
Make “I” statements to describe what you feel, want, and need: A powerful tool is to use “I” statements because they represent what solely you feel, need, and want. This also helps the other person hear what you are saying and highlight your feelings, needs, and wants. Rather saying “You never listen”, trying saying “I feel like you are not seeing or hearing what I am saying.” Words are powerful and when we use “I” statements we are voicing our direct needs, wants, and feelings so the other person can hear us.
Language and tone: Another thing to keep in mind is how we are responding. Yelling, cursing, using derogatory language, and harsh or belittling tones can play a role in intensifying the argument. Imagine two kids yelling at the top of their lungs saying they both want to use the swing, yelling will only exhaust them out and irritate each other. By using a calm or low tone, neutral language, and “I” statements, it can turn the conflict into a conversation making it more productive and safe for both parties.
Don’t play the blame game: Another way we can manage conflict is by not blaming others. Blaming others may only increase the conflict and ignore the actual reason of conflict. No human being is perfect and we are bound to make mistakes and that is okay. If suddenly someone is loudly blaming us, it can feel targeted and overwhelming. Blaming also chooses faults and does not help further the conversation. By not saying things such as “This is all your fault” or “Look what you did”, we create a space for all parties in an equal manner to help facilitate the conversation.
Pause the argument to think and reflect: Sometimes the moment a conflict arises it may become too much and it can be healthy for you to take a step back and process the situation. It is okay to let the person know you need a bit of time and space to process the conversation and would like to follow up in a bit. In the moment of conflict, your emotions may be intense, words may not come out the way you want them too, and the pressure of the argument can all affect how you respond. So take a step back to think about what happened and how you want to respond. You can do this out loud, with your therapist, or by writing it down.
These are just some ways to help manage conflict. It is important to remember that culture, past experiences, personality, and other factors all affect the way someone handles conflict. Talking to your therapist is a great way to understand your reaction to conflict and why you may use that style. They can help you process past arguments, role-play situations, and help guide you into breaking unhealthy patterns. You are not alone in this!
Resources:
Psychology Today - What’s Your Fighting Style by Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/202405/whats-your-fighting-style
Gottman - Six Tops for the Six Skills of Conflict Management by Ellie Lisitsa, Ph.D.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-six-skills/
Psychology, Health, and Behavioral Sciences - The Psychology Of Conflict: A Comprehensive Analysis Of Its Underlying Causes And Advanced Approaches To Resolution by Joseph Sata