February and Loneliness
This time of the month can feel very overwhelming for some, it can intensify emotions of loneliness, sadness, and even frustration. Even when surrounded by family and friends the feeling of not having the “one” and not being in a relationship can increase the feeling of loss, emptiness, and sadness. Often our brains will create negative frameworks that can increase negative emotions leading it to become a cycle.
What is a Negative Framework?
A negative framework can be cognitive and/or behavioral aspects that focus on negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors while limiting healthy and positive thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Focusing on thoughts, below are some that may come up around this time of the month:
All my friends are in a relationship, what about me?
Why am I the only one without someone?
Am I unloveable? I must be.
I must be lacking something to be single!
Often when we discuss the idea of being single, there is a negative connotation that being single is bad. But really, being single is a completely normal part of life. During the month of February, having exposure to people in relationships, seeing the special couples deals or events, and even seeing heart balloons can all intensify a negative thought or feeling.
Now What?
When negative thoughts and feelings intensify they can harm not only our emotional and mental wellbeing but can also cause ruptures in other aspects of our life, such as work or family. A tool to help process those negative thoughts and feelings is utilizing cognitive restructuring which is when we break down the negative thoughts and build positive ones. Here are a some ways we can do this:
Is this thought, just a thought or an evidence based fact?
Oftentimes our brains will think of things about ourselves that are not necessarily true. So ask yourself, is this thought actually true?
Is the thought something that comes at specific times?
Certain thoughts can reoccur at certain times, especially when there is heavy exposure to it. Ask yourself, do I often have this thought every now and then or is the thought intense because it’s February?
Is this thought changeable and how?
Now that we have the thought, let’s think how we can change it. One of the simplest ways to fight back with negative thoughts is asking yourself, if my friend told me this, what would I say?
We are harsher on ourselves than others, which can sometimes make it difficult to see the positive side of things.
Let’s practice a bit:
Thought: All my friends are in relationships, why about me?
Now think, one of your friends isn’t in a relationship and says this to you, how would you respond? Maybe stating that there is nothing wrong with being single, or asking why do you want to be in a relationship?
Thought: I must be too …….(insert adjective or quality).... to be in a relationship.
If your friend had said that he/she felt they were too plain or unattractive, what would you say? Most likely you would jump in to support them by validating them and listing their strengths.
Remember
It is easier said than done. If you are struggling with these thoughts, bring them into therapy! Your therapist can support you in reconstructing those negative thoughts and guide you through practices and roleplay. Therapy can also be a space for you to just express the thoughts you have. Keeping things internal can often intensify and normalize that cycle of negative thinking. Remember that you are not alone in feeling these negative emotions at this time of the year, so share them, whether it be a simple conversation with a friend or a more in depth conversation with your therapist!
References:
Better Health - Every Mind Matters
National Library of Medicine