Thanksgiving can bring up a mix of feelings, especially when family relationships are complicated. You might be looking forward to seeing certain people while already dreading a few conversations, worrying about someone’s reaction, or wondering how you’ll get through the day without feeling completely drained. When you know certain family dynamics tend to be difficult, it can be hard to look forward to the holiday without thinking about everything that could go wrong.

A little planning before Thanksgiving can help you feel more prepared for the day. You can’t control how other people behave, but you can decide what you’re comfortable with, where you need some breathing room, and how you want to handle difficult moments. Here are five ways to look after yourself this Thanksgiving without taking on more than you have the energy for.

1. Decide How Long You Want to Stay

If you’re already feeling stressed about Thanksgiving, think about how much time you actually want to spend at each gathering. You might feel pressure to stay all day, visit multiple relatives, or stick around because leaving early could upset someone.

Before the holiday, make a plan that works for you. That could mean staying for dinner but heading home afterward, or visiting one side of the family without rushing to another gathering. Having an idea of when you plan to leave can make it easier to follow through when the day gets busy.

If someone questions your decision, you can keep your response simple: “I’m glad I could come by, but I’m going to head home after dinner.” You can care about how other people feel without making your plans depend on their approval.

2. Choose One Thing to Say No To

Between preparing food, organizing plans, and making sure everyone is happy, holiday responsibilities can add up quickly. If you’re usually the person who steps in to help, you might end up taking on more than you have the time or energy for.

Choose one thing you’re willing to leave off your plate this year. You could decline an extra invitation, let another family member handle a task, or keep part of the holiday weekend free instead of filling every day with plans.

If saying no brings up guilt, remember that someone else being disappointed doesn’t automatically mean you’ve made the wrong decision. You can care about your family and still have limits on your time and energy. You don’t have to say yes to everything just because you’re used to being the person who helps.

3. Make Room for Quiet Time

When your calendar fills up with cooking, errands, travel, and family gatherings, it’s easy to leave yourself very little time to rest. If the holiday tends to leave you feeling drained, make some room for yourself before your schedule fills up.

You could keep Thanksgiving morning free, take a walk after dinner, or leave the following day open instead of making more plans. It doesn’t need to be anything elaborate. Having a little time to yourself can help you catch your breath after a busy day.

Rest doesn’t have to wait until everything else is taken care of. You can make plans for yourself, too, even when other people need things from you.

4. Have Someone You Can Check In With

If certain family interactions are difficult, think about who you can reach out to when you need support. It could be a friend who understands your family, a partner who can help you step away from a tense situation, or someone you can text after a difficult conversation.

Let that person know ahead of time that the holiday feels a little complicated this year. It can also help to tell them what you need, whether that’s someone who will listen without offering advice or a quick reminder that you’re allowed to take a break.

Knowing there’s someone you can talk to can make a difficult day feel less lonely, especially when you’re dealing with family dynamics that other people may not fully understand.

5. Prepare for Difficult Conversations

You probably already have a pretty good idea of which topics tend to come up at family gatherings. Maybe someone asks personal questions, comments on your choices, brings up an old disagreement, or pushes for information you’d rather keep private.

Instead of trying to come up with the perfect response in the moment, think about what you could say ahead of time. A few simple responses might include:

• “I’d rather not get into that today.”

• “That’s something I’m keeping private right now.”

• “I know you’re curious, but I don’t want to discuss that.”

• “Let’s talk about something else.”

If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, practice saying your response out loud before the gathering. You don’t need to convince someone that your boundary makes sense before you can stick to it. Having the words ready can make it easier to speak up when the conversation gets difficult.

The goal isn’t to make every interaction go perfectly or get everyone to agree with you. It’s to give yourself a way to respond that feels right for you.

When Holiday Stress Brings Up More Than You Expected

For some people, Thanksgiving stress goes beyond a busy schedule or an awkward conversation. Being around family can bring up old hurts, familiar roles, or feelings connected to relationships that have been difficult for years. You could find yourself replaying a conversation after you get home, wondering whether you handled something the right way, or feeling guilty for making a decision that was important to you.

If these situations keep coming up, talking them through with a therapist can help you better understand why certain interactions affect you and what you want to do differently. You deserve a place to talk about your own experiences without feeling responsible for everyone else’s reactions.

Therapy for Holiday Stress in Syracuse, NY

Tessa Fellows, LMHC, works with adults in New York who are dealing with anxiety, people-pleasing, difficult family relationships, and life transitions. If you’re used to putting other people first, therapy can be a place to talk about what’s been weighing on you and figure out what you need for yourself.

Your first session is a chance to talk about what’s been going on and what you’d like help with. You don’t need to have everything figured out before you begin. You can start with what’s been difficult lately and take it from there.

Cardinal Hope Mental Health Counseling Services offers a free 15-minute consultation, giving you a chance to ask questions and see whether working with Tessa feels like a good fit.

Contact us to learn more about therapy

Looking for Support With Difficult Relationships?

The holidays can be especially hard when family gatherings bring up experiences from past or present relationships that have been hurtful, unhealthy, or emotionally unsafe. You might be working on trusting yourself again, making sense of what happened in a past relationship, or figuring out what you want your relationships to look like in the future.

Marcella DeAngelis leads Reclaiming Your Story & Your Body, a virtual support group for women in New York who have been affected by unhealthy, hurtful, or emotionally unsafe relationships. The group gives women a chance to reflect on their experiences and reconnect with themselves alongside others who may understand some of what they’ve been through.

The group is planned for Wednesdays at 6 p.m., with sessions costing $20 each. Marcella is currently gathering interest before choosing a start date, so the group has not begun yet.

virtual women’s support group