Social Comparison - Why Am I Not Like Them?
Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others? Maybe you see your friends getting married and you wonder when you will? Or maybe you see people on social media going on vacations and wonder why it can’t be you?
Social Comparison Theory is when individuals regularly compare themselves to others which can either increase motivation for change and improvements or can also highly cause feelings of dissatisfaction and guilt leading to self-distructive behaviors such as lying or changes in life habits.
As humans, comparing ourselves to others is normal and chances are we start from a young age. Think of it as a toddler throwing a tantrum when they see another child with a toy they don’t have. They express anger and dissatisfaction through tears and yelling. As we grow older the comparisons may become more apparent and severe and can lead to self-disruptive behaviors. While there is nothing wrong with comparing ourselves, it becomes a concern when it is harming one's overall wellbeing. Interventions need to be placed to help decrease those negative emotions and actions.
Benefits To Comparing
Upward social comparison is a term deemed by researchers when comparisons have healthy and beneficial effects such as:
Using comparisons to motivate a healthy change - such as comparing sleep routines with others to help find a healthy routine for you that ensures restful sleep
Using comparisons for a healthy push - such as encouraging you to try new things like new restaurants or events (concerts, gamerooms, etc.)
Using comparisons to guide you into making life changes - such as career changes or inspirations to go back to school
Using comparison to learn new skills - such as trying to cook a new dish or fixing the sink by yourself
It would be impossible to not compare ourselves with others and that is okay. If the comparison is helping you through guidance, learning, or support it can be highly beneficial.
Negatives To Comparing
However, while there can be benefits, it is important to acknowledge when the comparisons are harming your wellbeing. This is called downward social comparison. Some examples are:
Using comparisons to fault your physical appearance or personality - such as self-critizing the way a facial feature looks because it’s not a desired feature or seen as the beauty standard
Using comparisons to break your own boundaries - such as forcing yourself to like something when you don't feel safe to do it. This can be forcing yourself to be around people that are hurtful or be in environments you feel unsafe in
Using comparisons to buy things - such as seeing a pair of shoes or a new phone trending and buying it even when you either don’t need it or can’t afford it
Using comparisons to make extreme changes that are harmful - such as eating less than needed to fit a body type or doing reckless things because others are doing it (drinking until you black out or breaking the law with others)
Downward social comparison can cause stress, make you feel like a failure or an embarrassment, and increase symptoms of depression and anxiety. Along with potential repercussions of self-disruptive and harmful behaviors, downward social comparisons can do a lot more harm than one may think.
So What To Do?
There are a few ways in which one can work to decrease how much social comparison they do.
Decrease social media exposure - A lot of things on the internet are not real but when we are constantly exposed to things we start believing and comparing. If you find yourself comparing yourself with influencers or others on your feed, decreasing exposure can help keep it out of mind. Decreasing time can allow you to have time to do other things such as reading, going out, or doing an activity
Finding role models - If you need inspiration or want guidance, finding role models at work, school, and life can help you have real discussions about what you need. Real connections can be more meaningful and realistic compared to online celebrities
Creating a support circle - Having a group of friends, family, online friends, etc. can provide validation and support when you need it. It can be hard to leave a negative mindframe, but by surrounding ourselves with people who support us and have similar goals or aspirations, it can be meaningful, real, and supportive
Journaling - Journaling can be a great tool to express what you are feeling and why. Writing things out can help you visually see what thoughts and emotions are running in your head. Similarly keeping a gratitude journal can help maintain a positive outlook with your life. We often ignore what we have now, so writing what you’re grateful for daily can help you be more aware of your strengths in life.
Therapy is also a great source to help you with social comparisons. Your therapist and you can explore where a comparison is coming from, why you are having that comparison, and what you can do with those thoughts. A therapist can be a support system when you have trouble talking to others in your life. You don’t have to navigate this alone!
Resources
Psychology Today - Social Comparison Theory by
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/social-comparison-theory
Very Well Mind - The Stress of Social Comparison and How to Limit Comparing Yourself to Others by Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D. and reviewed by david Susman, Ph.D
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-stress-of-social-comparison-4154076