The Tiny Moments That Make or Break Your Relationship
Have you ever said something to your partner like, “Wow, that sunset is beautiful,” and they barely looked up from their phone? Or maybe you sent a quick “thinking about you” text and never got a response.
It feels small.
Almost silly to bring up.
But those tiny moments are often where connection either grow or quietly fades.
The Gottmans calls these moments “bids for connection.” A bid is any small attempt to say, “Hey, notice me, be with me for a second.” Most people don’t say that directly because it feels too vulnerable. Instead, bids come out sideways through a story, a sigh, a question, a joke, or even a simple “Can you pass the salt?” What looks ordinary on the surface is often a quiet request for closeness.
What Bids Look Like in Real Life
Bids show up ALL day long, especially in the tiny in-between moments of life. Your partner might point something out on the TV, tell you about their day, send you a meme, or ask a random question that doesn’t really need an answer. Underneath all of that is usually the same message: stay in my world for a minute. Sometimes it’s light and playful. Sometimes it’s heavy. Either way, it’s an invitation to connect.
Most people don’t even realize they’re making bids. They just know they want to feel seen, heard, or chosen for a moment.
How We Respond (Without Even Realizing It)
According to the Gottmans, there are three basic ways we respond to bids. We either turn toward, turn away, or turn against.
Turning toward looks like pausing, making eye contact, asking a follow-up question, or simply acknowledging your partner.
Turning away happens when we ignore the moment, stay on our phone, or respond with a distracted “mm-hmm.”
Turning against is when irritation, sarcasm, or criticism comes out instead.
None of us get this right all the time. We’re tired. We’re busy. We’re stressed. But over time, patterns form. When someone feels consistently met with presence, they feel valued. When their bids are often missed or shut down, they begin to feel invisible, unimportant, or alone even while in a relationship.
Why the Small Moments Matter So Much
In their research, the Gottmans found a powerful difference between couples who felt emotionally close and those who were struggling. The couples who were doing well turned toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time. Couples who were heading toward separation turned toward bids only about 33% of the time. It wasn’t big fights or dramatic betrayals that predicted disconnection it was the buildup of unanswered moments.
Many couples believe they can “catch up” on connection with date nights or vacations. Those things can help, but they don’t replace the everyday moments that keep a relationship emotionally alive. Love isn’t maintained in grand gestures alone. It’s built in kitchens, in cars, on couches, and in small exchanges that say, I see you.
You Can Start a New Pattern
The good news is that you don’t need to change everything to change the direction of your relationship. Noticing bids and responding a little more often can soften tension, rebuild trust, and create a sense of emotional safety again. It can be as simple as putting your phone down, asking one more question, or reaching back when your partner reaches for you.
Those tiny moments add up.
Want Support Strengthening Your Relationship?
At Cardinal Hope Mental Health Counseling Services, we help couples who want to feel close again not just coexist. If you and your partner feel stuck in cycles of miscommunication, emotional distance, or resentment, couples therapy can help you understand your patterns and respond to each other in new ways.
Resources:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/